Why Do I Feel Like Everyone Else Is Ahead of Me?
Do you ever look around at your friends and feel as though everyone else is moving forward while you're somehow standing still? Perhaps one friend has landed their dream job, another is moving in with their partner, someone else is travelling the world and another has just announced their engagement. Meanwhile, you might be wondering 'What am I doing with my life?' 'Why haven't I got everything figured out yet?' 'Am I falling behind?'
Your twenties and early thirties can be an exciting time, but they can also bring a huge amount of uncertainty, change and comparison. There can be an unspoken expectation that by a certain age you should have a successful career, a relationship, a busy social life, financial independence and a clear idea of where your life is heading. The reality is often very different. Life rarely follows a straight path and sometimes the things we thought we wanted turn out not to be right for us after all.
Social media can make comparison harder as it gives us an almost constant window into other people's lives. You might open Instagram and within a few minutes see someone's promotion, holiday, new flat, engagement or seemingly perfect social life. Without even realising it, you start comparing their life with yours.
If this sounds familiar, you're certainly not alone. Worrying that you are falling behind or finding yourself constantly comparing your life with other people can have a negative impact on your confidence and self-esteem.
So here are 10 tips that may help you stop feeling like everyone else is ahead of you and feel more confident about your own path:
1. Notice When You're Comparing Yourself. Comparison can become such a habit that you barely realise you're doing it. Try to notice the thoughts that appear when you're around certain people or scrolling through social media. 'They're doing better than me.' Becoming more aware of these thoughts can help you start questioning them rather than automatically believing them.
2. Remember That You Don't See the Whole Picture. Someone may appear incredibly successful and confident while privately struggling with anxiety, loneliness, relationship difficulties or self-doubt. Everyone has things going on that you know nothing about. Try not to compare the reality of your own life with the version of somebody else's life that they choose to show you.
3. Reduce the Social Media That Makes You Feel Worse. Pay attention to how you feel after spending time on social media. If particular accounts regularly leave you feeling inadequate, anxious or unhappy with your own life, consider muting or unfollowing them. Your social media feed should not constantly make you feel as though you aren't good enough.
4. Question Your Own 'Shoulds'. 'By now I should know what I want to do with my life'. Ask yourself where these rules have come from? How helpful are they? Are they genuinely what you want or are they expectations you've picked up from family, friends, society or social media? Sometimes we're working incredibly hard towards a life we're not even sure we want. Try to focus less on where you think you should be and more on what feels right for you.
5. Look at How Far You've Already Come. When you're focused on what you haven't achieved, it's easy to overlook how far you have already come. Reflect on where you were a few years ago. Perhaps you've become more independent, got through a difficult period, finished a degree, started working, left an unhealthy relationship, made new friends or simply learnt more about yourself. Progress isn't always something you can put on a CV or post on Instagram.
6. Work Out What Matters to You. Try to think less about what everyone else is doing and more about what you actually want. What matters to you? What kind of relationships do you want? Your answers may be very different from somebody else's and that's OK.
7. Focus on the Next Step, Not the Whole Future. You don't need to have your entire life mapped out. If you're feeling lost or behind, ask yourself 'what's one small thing I could do next?'. It might be applying for one job, signing up for a course, speaking to someone about a career you're interested in or trying something you've been putting off. Small steps can feel much more manageable than trying to solve your whole future at once.
8. Spend Time With People Who Make You Feel Good About Yourself. Notice how you feel after spending time with different people. Healthy friendships shouldn't leave you constantly feeling inadequate or as though you're competing. Spend time with people who support you, celebrate your successes and allow you to be honest when things aren't going so well.
9. Be Kinder to Yourself. Think about how you speak to yourself when you feel behind. Would you say the same things to a friend? Probably not. Try replacing 'I'm failing' with something more realistic, such as:
'I don't have to have everything figured out yet.' Being kinder to yourself doesn't mean giving up on your ambitions. It simply means not making yourself miserable while you're working towards them.
10. Talk to Someone. Sometimes comparison isn't really about the other person. Feeling that everyone else is ahead of you can be connected to low self-esteem, anxiety, perfectionism or worries about your own direction in life. Talking openly about these feelings can help you understand where they come from.
Talk to someone you can trust or if these thoughts are affecting your confidence or everyday life, consider talking to a therapist.
Could therapy help? If you often feel that you're not good enough, worry that you are falling behind or find yourself constantly comparing your life with other people's, it can negatively affect your wellbeing. Therapy can provide a safe and confidential space to explore where these feelings come from and help you develop a kinder and more confident relationship with yourself. I work with young adults and young professionals experiencing anxiety, low self-esteem, overthinking and uncertainty about their direction in life. If this sounds familiar, you don't have to work through it alone.
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